The following laughs are taken from Frank Kaiser's blog...he has some great laughs about us over the hill folks.
Were the 'Good Old Days' Really So Good?
Life was so much better when we were young."
I hear that a lot these days. How things were safer, simpler, even sexier back then (perhaps based on the theory that less is more). My friend J.C. Spitznagel is a true believer in The Good Old Days. Just yesterday he saw an article noting that when we were in high school, more than 50 years ago, the top seven discipline problems were “talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, getting out of turn in line, wearing improper clothes, and not putting paper in wastebaskets.“
"Know what they are today?" J.C. demanded. He was going to tell me whether or not I even cared. He counted them off. "Drug and alcohol abuse. Pregnancy. Suicide. Rape. Robbery. Assault. And guns in the school." As J.C. launched his usual rant about how today's world is going to hell in a hand basket, I began thinking about the huge changes we seniors have seen in our lifetimes. Take health care. When I was a kid in Park Ridge, Illinois, old Doc Sergeant would come to the house to care for our extended family — including parents, grandparents, an aunt, cousins, and a "roomer" — all living under the same roof. The doc charged five bucks a visit, no matter the affliction. Even post the “Quarantine Notice” on the front door if necessary.
To hear J.C. talk, everything after 1950 has been a menace to society. Especially television, frozen foods, plastics, and credit cards. Oh, he'll concede that dishwashers, electric blankets, air conditioners, and drip-dry clothes — all postwar innovations — probably aren't exactly inventions of the devil. Yet, down deep, J.C. would rather have his push mower and stoker-fed coal furnace than any of today's contrivances. Talk to J.C. about radar, the pill, split atoms, laser beams, or Man walking on the moon, and he'll grumble that we're going where God never intended us.
Certainly, life was different back then. We got married first, then slept together. And, mind you, not in the same bed, at least never in the movies of those days. Back then, having a meaningful relationship was when your uncle took you to the circus.
Service stations had service. Fast food was what our Catholic friends ate during Lent. "Made in Japan" meant junk, and "making out" referred to how you did on your algebra exam. Pizzas, Starbucks, and McDonald's were unheard of although, while in high school, I was present at the opening of the very first McDonald's ever, in Des Plaines, Illinois. But who knew? To me, it was just a 10-cent burger joint. Those days, a nickel would buy you a ride on the streetcar, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi (“Twelve full ounces, that's a lot!“) or enough stamps to mail one letter and 2 postcards. Gas was 16 cents a gallon.
The good old days meant climbing trees, cowboys 'n' Indians, chocolate milk, sucking on ice chips just cut by the iceman, licking Mom's mixer beaters, and catching lightening bugs in a jar. Also hard-to-push mowers, polio, and widespread prejudice. All in all, I'll take today's life anytime. Heck, indoor plumbing and life-saving pharmaceuticals alone make the choice easy. Lets' face it, if I'd been my age back in those good old days, I'd be dead right now. Most likely J.C. as well. How about you?
WANNA LIVE FOREVER?
Science seems determined to have us live longer, whether we want to or not. At the dawn of the 20th Century — just over 100 years ago — life expectancy was a modest 47. Now those strange folks who keep close track of such stuff say that a baby born today is expected to live until she's 77. Even longer because she's a she. Environmental killers — cigarette smoking, consumption of booze, and the worst of our sedentary ways — are all heading south. Life expectancy now is skyrocketing toward 100. Like it or not, millions of us currently in our 50s and 60s actually will be getting greetings from that now and future chief centenarian, Willard Scott.
Our elderly population will double by 2025. And — get this — a mob of experts says that our life expectancy will jump to 120 or more by the year 2050. Through molecular manipulations, doctors soon will be switching off so-called death genes, reversing aging by craftily messing with chromosome caps, and creating replacement organs on demand. I wonder if today's carefree 20-somethings know what's in for them. Before you start yearning to start life over on this new century's Methuselahian terms, consider for a minute what it will be like living to be 120 years old.
If you think you have aches and pains now, chances are they wouldn't diminish at twice your age. As marvelous as this post-millennial DNA dance may seem, chances are that arthritis, muscle loss, osteoporosis and dementia — to name a few of our hoarier complaints — will still be with us. Along with diseases as unknown to us today as dementia was when we lived to be only 47. We are the first people in the history of mankind to whom old age is any real concern.
Just for the moment, let's pretend that science discovers cures for both old age and its difficulties. Before you can say “Double Platinum-Ager,” marketers will finally break focus with the young and come calling with every sort of fogy fare imaginable. Already a Japanese clothing company has "anti-stink" underwear for that elderly odor we dare not discuss. Here’s the Big Question: Does living solely to live longer have meaning or worth? Oh, I'll spare you the quality-before-quantity speech. You may know it better than I. We both know, for example, that cantankerous people tend to get more cantankerous with age. Ditto for the hateful, the selfish, the prideful and mean-spirited.
Anne Frank may have been on to something when she wrote that, down deep, everyone's good. But when it comes to elderly grumps, I for one don't have the perseverance to dig. Even if you're helpful as a scout with the disposition of a saint, before you jump aboard the "I'd Like to Live Forever" bandwagon, you should recall two important facts of life.
1. Time flies. And as we grow older, time contracts exponentially. If you're in your 60s or better, you know. By that age, Einstein‘s theory of time relativity ceases to be theory. Which means that any years over age 100 will flee so quickly they'll hardly be noticed. So why bother?
2. Noses and ears grow. And grow. As we age, while all our other body parts tend to shrink a bit, our noses and ears never stop growing. Never. My question: Do you want the nose of a 120-year-old? Could you even see around it?
Do you really want to live forever? If you’re like me, fuhgeddaboudit.
HEY, BOOMERS! LOOK WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU?
Listen up, all you boomers about to hit 50. That’s the official beginning of seniordom, according to no less authority than AARP, and it’s high time someone took pity on you. You need a clue to the surprises lurking right around the corner. I know. I know. You’ve done everything possible to avoid this moment. At the mere mention of “golden” or “silver,” you change the subject. Hear the word “retirement” and you quickly cross your index fingers in front of you, deflecting any notion of evil ages ahead.
Most boomers — not you, of course — are so inwardly turned, so me-me-me that when geezerdom does come to call, they freak. They become even more adamant about their false sense of self-reliance, even more obnoxious in their enthusiastic embrace of all things young. If it were up to me, you’d never earn geezer status. We don’t want you. You’re not tough enough. But since it’s inevitable as death and taxes — sorry, I didn’t mean to use the “D” word — here’s a sneak preview of what to expect.
For starters, time and date take on new and bewildering significance. A co-worker’s 15th high school reunion inexplicably starts your fingers twitching as you mentally count backward to 1991, then subtract the year of your own graduation. Oh my God! you think. I’m 17 years older than she is. I don’t look… Do I? Seventeen years! She could be my daughter. Oh my God!
At age 50 or so, you’ll begin noticing that younger folks of either sex now look right through you — as if you didn’t exist. Shocked, you ask yourself, “When did this start happening?” You may obsess. At about 55, you‘ll catch yourself glancing at every available mirror to assess the growth of your — you’d never guess — wattle(s). You know, that skin under your jaw that even now is sagging just a bit. Well, it is! By 55, this leading indicator of old-fartism is shouting for a chinstrap. But still you won’t bring yourself to use the words “old” and “me” in the same sentence.
Next, you become —how shall I put this? — irrelevant. Suddenly, you’re the fifth wheel at work, out of the loop more often than not. Your advice is no longer sought. Golf dates no longer reserved. This is when you start pricing face-lifts, eyelid surgery, hair transplants, and wattle reduction. And then there’s that matter of, well, forgetfulness. Senior moments, we call them. Those sudden, humiliating mind blanks during which we can’t remember the names of our spouses and first-born. The first time it happens you fear the immediate onset of Alzheimer’s. But you get used to it. Fact is, we seniors know a lot; we simply can’t remember it all. Nothing serious, just a mild case of mind-bloat. One more little surprise: You know how old folks talk 24/7 about their aches and pains, their doctors, their pills and operations? Trust me, you will too. If you were secretly thinking you’d breeze through the rigors of old age with gene splicing, molecular manipulations, and replacement organs on demand, forget about it.
At 50, you’re already too old to benefit much from current scientific breakthroughs. By the time they trickle down, you’ll be long gone. Sorry. I suppose that you won’t believe me if I tell you that in spite of all this, you may find your senior years your best ever. You’ll find new freedom to do what you want and say what you think. You’ll have time to develop hobbies, improve your golf game, and read to your heart’s content. Once you get away from that “me” thing, you’ll want to help others by volunteering your time and mind. You’ll never believe the rewards until you do it. And if you haven’t already, you’ll learn the critical importance of friendship and love in your life. You probably won’t believe me now, but that alone is worth the price each of us pays to become a Geezer-First Class.
A SENIOR'S GUIDE TO LIFE: WORDS TO LIVE BY
The most destructive habit.......................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss......................................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome...........Fear
The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease............Excuses
The most powerful force in life................Love
The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.........The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ................Hope
The deadliest weapon...............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words............."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith
The most worthless emotion........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm
